So yeah, I've been struggling for quite a while now. Mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, whateverly — I'm a big fucking ball of struggle.
I should've tried to get help, like, years ago. Well, I did have help years ago but then I didn't any more and then it all faded and started to get worse again and this worsening has been going on for I dunno how long now. Well, years. Ages.
I still haven't. Gotten help, I mean. Well, I kinda took the first step? Which... kinda just made things worse. Most mental health services here use this online thing called "therapy navigator" which they recommend you fill out before contacting them. In it you answer a bunch of questions and it then gives you assessments to fill out based on your answers. They said it takes about 30 mins to fill. But, I kept having to answer yes to all the questions. And they kept giving me assessments. Two hours later I'd filled six of them and wasn't even half-way through.
At the end it doesn't give you a diagnosis because that, of course, is a doctor's business. But it does tell you "there are indications that you might have this". My indications were severe depression, severe general anxiety, severe social anxiety, moderate panic disorder (moderate mostly because I'm far enough from a normal life that most of the questions didn't apply to me), significant OCD and in addition to those, a current life crisis, fatigue and a sleep disorder.
The one thing I don't have is a problem with substances, which, I guess is something? Oh, and a trauma disorder. Which is not true, I'm traumatized as all fuck, but just not in the way they meant in the assessment.
Anyway, it kinda put me face to face with the things I've known for a long time but have been doing my best to ignore. Because getting help is exhausting. The whole thought of once again starting this journey and talking about my problems to someone feels like the highest mountain in the universe and I but a small hamster, shivering at the base of it.
The worst thing is that I've been through several psychiatric assessments in my life so I know what it's like. Fucking horrible, is what it is. And it was already horrible when I was still a somewhat functioning human. I don't even wanna think about what it's gonna be like now. If I ever get there.
So yeah. It made it worse. I know I should try to get help but at the same time I don't know if there's any place at all in our system that could actually help me in any way. Previous attempts helped a bit to some things but nowadays that I've got around 1003 different disorders and other assorted fuckeries going on, there's really not too many people who know what to do with that kind of a knot. Myself included.
After that navigator thingy I've been spiralling a bit. Like I wasn't before, lol. But, you know. Dropping faster. Brain gremlins took me hostage. No demands. Just torture.
I've once again been convinced that I should just leave the internet completely. I'm a piece of pure shit and I'm sure everyone has sighed in relief at not seeing my stupid posts in their timeline, or more likely, haven't even noticed I'm gone. It's not like anyone cares this way or that. Should I post a flower picture? Nah, it's silly. Pointless. I haven't even been able to read other people's posts because there they are, peopling, going about their lives, and I am but a small hamster, shivering outside.
But I tried again to claw myself out. Which, I haven't. I'm still in the hole. But I try to make myself look up every now and then, even though it's so fucking bright it feels like stab wounds in my brain. I'm sure everyone's sick and tired of me being so sick and tired all the time. But I try not to take responsibility for other people's feelings. No one's forcing anyone to read this. Or to interact with me. So I try to remember that. And stop myself from disappearing, even though it does feel oh, so tempting.
It's time I end this before it gets any worse. Also holy shit too many words again.
I know you're not back on fedi but was checking your profile just for the sake of it and found your blog. Your posts and photos, flower or else, aren't silly, I personally notice their lack and feel it. Hope things are if not a little improved, then not worsened by now. Take care! 🫂
Thank you for saying so, it means a lot 🫂
When I wrote those thoughts, it was not to say that I believe them to be true, nor was I blaming anyone or asking for reassurances. It was just to sort of give an example of the kind of garbage my mind tends to produce in these times. I know depressive thoughts are mostly not true but unfortunately the nature of the illness is such that my feelings overpower my reason.
It's been good to take a break, it's helped calm my mind a bit, although I do miss all of you terribly. I need a bit more time, but I think I'll be back eventually.